I made a decision yesterday that will change my career path. In the past when I've thought about leaving music therapy I have been very sad, which led me to believe it was not the right decision. At least, it was not the right decision at the time. Maybe it was simply because I was not ready to give up on my dream (this is what I've wanted to do for a very long time) or maybe it was because I had not discovered the right place for me; where it was I supposed to go after music therapy. I believe I have found it.
As a music therapist my favorite population to work with has been the PPCD classes. For those of you not familiar with the Texas educational terms that means Preschool Program for Children with Disabilities. The children in this group are aged 3-5 with a wide range of needs, from severe autism to needing just a little extra instruction before going on to the general population. I've worked as a music therapist with children in these classes that will, in all likelihood, be in special education classrooms the rest of their school careers and I've worked with children that went into regular kindergarten classes afterward. I even worked with a young boy who only said "hello" when I met him at age 4 and was speaking in full sentences and ready for general ed by the end of that same year. I am good with this age group and am most comfortable doing "my thing" as a therapist and some time teacher.
If you've read my posts in the past you know that right now I am not working this age group. Right now I am doing music therapy with elderly with Alzheimer's. While I find that I get some satisfaction from working with this group, I also find I am simply drained by the end of the day in a way I never was when working in the schools. I am drained in a way that tells me I was right to believe I am not truly equipped to be working in this population. It is not right for me. I've been working on getting a program off the ground in the town I live in that will be private therapy for children and young adults with disabilities. I've been working on this program for more than 6 months now and have exactly 0 clients. It going nowhere and I am getting frustrated. Frustrated to the point that I have been having visions of taking any fulltime job I could find just to be able to have a fulltime job.
My first thought was just to go find a job at one of the universities here. That would mean secretarial type work but I can do that. I haven't been happy doing what I love for awhile now so I'm sure I would fine doing something I don't love if I knew I could save money to do the things I do love. Then I had lunch with a friend yesterday and my world changed.
She said she had considered leaving music therapy too. She had gone to the extreme of getting her certification in Special Education and even applying to the different school districts around here. In the end, her job situation changed and she decided to stick with music therapy. It got my brain rolling. One of the things I had considered doing in the past was getting my certification as an elementary music teacher. I even went to the orientation meeting for the alternative certification program to see what I needed to do. I decided it wasn't for me as I KNOW I simply wouldn't make a good music teacher. But I also know I would make an excellent SPED teacher. I don't know exactly why I know this but I am sure of it and suddenly that's what I wanted to do. It's all I could think of as I left my lunch with my friend. I went to see a piano student (the one I got instead of an actual music therapy student in the place where I'm building my new program) and as he was 10 minutes late I stood there and thought about this program. How it's going nowhere. I know that programs can sometimes take years to get off the ground but I have put my all into this for more than 6 months and have seen no return. That's extremely discouraging. My first thought was to take on more private clients outside the area. I've done that before and the driving is horrible but the pay is good. "Ok," I thought, "get those clients so you are working and seeing a little income and let this program build as slowly as it's going to need to." But I still wasn't satisfied. "So this contract thing is going to be life?" No, I am not happy with that.
I sat through my student's lesson and was really irritated that he had not only not practiced but had been playing "Chopsticks" all week and wanted to show me. I said to him, "It's wonderful that you are having fun with the piano, but just because everyone else in your family knows how to play Chopsticks that doesn't mean that's what you should be practicing. Hopefully, if you practice what I give you, you'll be able to play much better than all of them someday." Hopefully, my extreme irritation did not come through. Trying to live compassionately after all! :)
Then I was driving home and it came to me. I WILL take on those extra clients, but not just to make money while I wait for this program to kick in to high gear. I will do it so I will have the money for alternative certification. I am going to become a SPED teacher. And I was relieved. I was happy about it.
I think that means I've made the right decision. I know it will take a couple years for this to come to fruition, but I have a goal.
This morning it came to me why this made me so happy. Goals are important. I haven't really had a set goal for awhile now. Oh yeah, build the program to make it a fulltime position but that wasn't really something I could see as goal for some reason. THIS is goal. And goals make us strive to be important.
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
Showing posts with label compassion. Show all posts
It's The Most Terrible Time Of The Year...
Does this mean I am anti-people? No, it simply means the materialistic-money-hungry society in which I live makes me want to puke sometimes and I can't stand to see my fellow humans reduced to lions in a feeding frenzy in a slaughter house of gazelle.
On the other hand there is also a wonderful sense of community this time of year if you know where to look. I've been in Texas for about 9 years now and for most of that time I've lived in this wonderful town of Denton. In all that time I have never been to the annual holiday lighting on the square. We have one of those old timey downtown squares. Literally and square plot of land with a courthouse in the center with four connecting streets. Businesses surround the courthouse on those streets. Unlike a lot of towns, our square is not only vibrant but new businesses scramble to get in if one leaves, instead of many closing down.
Here's a couple pics I found on google:
There are so many things I love about this town and this is just one of them. The two colleges provide new blood in every year. There is a bohemian quality to most of the town. And people enjoy being out in the town, instead of driving off to Dallas or Ft Worth which are both fairly close (though of course we all do that on occasion!).
So I decided to check out the holiday lighting festival this year on the square. Everything I hate about this time of year was still present but it was muted by the wonderful community atmosphere. The square was filled with people. The streets were blocked off so people could roam free through the streets without worrying about cars. And we have Denton's own Brave Combo. To be honest, I've never really cared to much about Brave Combo. They're entertaining and they are certainly wonderful musicians but I'm not the kind of person to put on some Brave Combo music at home. Sure they've won 2 Grammys but Beyonce won 16 and Ella Fitzgerald only won 13 so I'm thinking the musical taste of the Grammy committee is a little off. I'm more likely to throw on some Pixies or The Clash if I want to dance like a maniac anyway! :) They had the crowd from the first note though and everyone had a good time. Crowd surfing even!! Here's a little video of the same festival from a couple years ago.
I ended the night by playing open mic with friend David at a little coffee shop just around the corner from all these activities. We had a great response and I am itching for more. So I guess it's not such a terrible time of year after all. :)
Now if only I can avoid any type of shopping until Jan 2.
Compassion and Disease
I am back at work today. For those of you that don't know, I am a music therapist. Twice each week I run groups at an Alzheimer's Center in Ft Worth. I am reminded constantly at this place of the good a little compassion can do and the ills inattention can cause.
I was listening to my musical love this morning on the way to work, Elvis Costello, and his song Veronica came on. I know that he wrote song about his Grandmother when she was living with Alzheimer's. He gets it perfectly in that song. Everytime I hear it, I'm reminded of one resident or another who fits the lyrics perfectly:
Is it all in that pretty little head of yours?
What goes on in that place in the dark?
Well I used to know a girl and I could have sworn
that her name was Veronica
Well she used to have a carefree mind of her own
and a delicate look in her eye
These days I'm afraid she's not even sure if her
name is Veronica
This first verse is the heart of the pain that families go through. In the media Alzheimer's is often portrayed as an elderly person who can't remember current events, can't make new memories, but remembers the past clearly. This is not true. It MAY be true for SOME who are in the very early stages but for most this terrible disease affects all memories, and they may forget even their own name. It also affects more than memory. It destroys the brain to the point that, in the end, people are unable to take care of any of their physical needs and speech is completely gone. I see family members struggle with this and say to their loved one, "You know, answer the question." But they DON'T know. And they may know an hour from now or they may never remember whatever it is you're trying to get them to remember. Ever.
Do you suppose, that waiting hands on eyes,
Veronica has gone to hide?
and all the time she laughs at those who shout
her name and steal her clothes.
Veronica, Veronica, Veronica
I think the chorus is my favorite part because, in spite of the terrible-ness of it, it makes me smile. I know people like this. I know the nurses and CNAs who shout to be heard by people who are not deaf but simply not "available" at the moment. No amount of shouting is going to accomplish what you want here. In fact, a light touch on the shoulder and a gentle calling of the person's name is more likely to bring them back to the moment.
And I see a lady who is constantly accusing people of stealing her clothes and giving her someone else's stuff to wear. :) This line particularly makes me laugh because how must it seem to them? They're in this place where they feel constantly threatened by people they know they're supposed to know but really don't and "there they go with my clothes! And she put me in this dress that is NOT MINE!"
The next verse talks about memories of a lover. This is common. I hear stories sometimes of lovers who are NOT the person's spouse. Sometimes it is from before they were married but of course, there are those other times. :) I heard the story from one ex-military man who spent time in Japan. He was half way through the story of his Japanese wife and their 50 children when I realized he was pulling my leg. I said, "15 children?" He said, "No, 50." And grinned big as day. I love those moments. I'm pretty sure he was messing with me but who knows. Made up memories happen during Alzheimer's too. I have to wonder if he had a Japanese lover while he was there who had his love child. It's not like it was an uncommon thing.
Veronica sits in her favorite chair
She sits very quiet and still
And they call her a name that they never get right
and if they don't then nobody else will
But she used to have a carefree mind of her own
with a devilish look in her eye
saying you can call me anything you like
but my name is Veronica
This juxtaposition of how the person is now to how the family and friends remember them is the main reason why so many family members stop visiting. It is common for the family to visit almost everyday for the first couple weeks and then the visit slowly drop off until eventually they are simply "too busy" to come anymore. The sad thing about this, besides the obvious, is that when the family does come for a rare visit, the resident doesn't remember them at all and is closer to the staff. This makes it even less likely that the family will continue to visit. They justify it by saying, "They won't know I'm there anyway."
And this is where I have to learn compassion for the family members. I can be patient all day with someone in the grips of an illness that affects every part of the brain except emotions and creativity. When they are angry, it is a righteous anger but when they love, it is complete and without limits. They sing with me when they can't even speak and it is because of these small gifts that I have so much compassion and love for them. My patience wears thin though with staff and family members that expect these people to "act normal." This is my challenge, and I am working on it.
I was listening to my musical love this morning on the way to work, Elvis Costello, and his song Veronica came on. I know that he wrote song about his Grandmother when she was living with Alzheimer's. He gets it perfectly in that song. Everytime I hear it, I'm reminded of one resident or another who fits the lyrics perfectly:
Is it all in that pretty little head of yours?
What goes on in that place in the dark?
Well I used to know a girl and I could have sworn
that her name was Veronica
Well she used to have a carefree mind of her own
and a delicate look in her eye
These days I'm afraid she's not even sure if her
name is Veronica
This first verse is the heart of the pain that families go through. In the media Alzheimer's is often portrayed as an elderly person who can't remember current events, can't make new memories, but remembers the past clearly. This is not true. It MAY be true for SOME who are in the very early stages but for most this terrible disease affects all memories, and they may forget even their own name. It also affects more than memory. It destroys the brain to the point that, in the end, people are unable to take care of any of their physical needs and speech is completely gone. I see family members struggle with this and say to their loved one, "You know, answer the question." But they DON'T know. And they may know an hour from now or they may never remember whatever it is you're trying to get them to remember. Ever.
Do you suppose, that waiting hands on eyes,
Veronica has gone to hide?
and all the time she laughs at those who shout
her name and steal her clothes.
Veronica, Veronica, Veronica
I think the chorus is my favorite part because, in spite of the terrible-ness of it, it makes me smile. I know people like this. I know the nurses and CNAs who shout to be heard by people who are not deaf but simply not "available" at the moment. No amount of shouting is going to accomplish what you want here. In fact, a light touch on the shoulder and a gentle calling of the person's name is more likely to bring them back to the moment.
And I see a lady who is constantly accusing people of stealing her clothes and giving her someone else's stuff to wear. :) This line particularly makes me laugh because how must it seem to them? They're in this place where they feel constantly threatened by people they know they're supposed to know but really don't and "there they go with my clothes! And she put me in this dress that is NOT MINE!"
The next verse talks about memories of a lover. This is common. I hear stories sometimes of lovers who are NOT the person's spouse. Sometimes it is from before they were married but of course, there are those other times. :) I heard the story from one ex-military man who spent time in Japan. He was half way through the story of his Japanese wife and their 50 children when I realized he was pulling my leg. I said, "15 children?" He said, "No, 50." And grinned big as day. I love those moments. I'm pretty sure he was messing with me but who knows. Made up memories happen during Alzheimer's too. I have to wonder if he had a Japanese lover while he was there who had his love child. It's not like it was an uncommon thing.
Veronica sits in her favorite chair
She sits very quiet and still
And they call her a name that they never get right
and if they don't then nobody else will
But she used to have a carefree mind of her own
with a devilish look in her eye
saying you can call me anything you like
but my name is Veronica
This juxtaposition of how the person is now to how the family and friends remember them is the main reason why so many family members stop visiting. It is common for the family to visit almost everyday for the first couple weeks and then the visit slowly drop off until eventually they are simply "too busy" to come anymore. The sad thing about this, besides the obvious, is that when the family does come for a rare visit, the resident doesn't remember them at all and is closer to the staff. This makes it even less likely that the family will continue to visit. They justify it by saying, "They won't know I'm there anyway."
And this is where I have to learn compassion for the family members. I can be patient all day with someone in the grips of an illness that affects every part of the brain except emotions and creativity. When they are angry, it is a righteous anger but when they love, it is complete and without limits. They sing with me when they can't even speak and it is because of these small gifts that I have so much compassion and love for them. My patience wears thin though with staff and family members that expect these people to "act normal." This is my challenge, and I am working on it.
A Flash of Lightning
I settled on A Flash of Lightning in the Dark Of Night, because the back cover starts with this sentence, "Compassion is the guiding principal of the bodhisattvas, those who vow to attain enlightenment in order to liberate all sentient being from the suffering and confusion of imperfect existence." Wow, that's EXACTLY what I'm looking for! Well, not exactly. This book is a detailed explanation of a chapter from The Way of the Bodhisattva by Shantideva. It's not necessary to have read the original text because the parts that are discussed are given in this book, however I feel there should some kind of prerequisite to this book. I couldn't tell you what that might be but this is simply above my head, and I don't say that often.
It has wonderfully titled chapters like "Carefulness," "Attentiveness," "Patience," "Endeavor," and "Wisdom." I made my way through Carefulness and Attentiveness and am now on Patience. I apparently don't have the patience for this book because I must have gone through the other chapters too quick. I don't remember a thing they say. I'm going to back and read them again.
Until then, anyone know a good book dedicated to the principle of compassion?
New Theme and Layout
I had a very interesting childhood. First, my mother comes from a very conservative Church of Christ home. She was so sheltered that she didn't even know what a bagel was until she was in college. I am not kidding. When I heard that story my first thought was, "So that's why we always had bagels in the house." :) Bagels were a big part of the day growing up. She loves them and now it makes sense.
When my mom went to college she went a little wild, like most sheltered girls do. She raised me very differently. She gave me experiences and let me decide for myself what I believe. She may have gone a little too far to the other side in terms of religion, but I was raised even so to be a "good girl." I like to joke that if I came to her and said, "I believe fairies rule our world and we must placate them in every way," she would have said, "That's a valid idea, but let's talk about it a little more."
In my own way I was very naive. Looking back on high school, I realize now that there were things going on around me with my own circle of friends that I was completely oblivious to. It was through my own experiences in college that I figured out what exactly was going on in those situations. Everyone thought me such a good girl that they didn't dare pop the bubble of naivety that I was living in.
On the other hand, I was allowed to explore religion with a freedom that most people are not given. I went to church with friends and never questioned why my mother never went but sent me along on the church bus or in a my friends' parent's car. I was interested in Wicca from a very early age (junior high) when most people go through that phase in college. I became interested in Buddhism in college. I eventually found all of these to be too limiting. Now my main philosophy of compassion in everything I do is essentially a Buddhist one but I love the elements of other religions too. I simply don't believe there is one or more beings physically affecting the lives of human and animals. But I will get into what I believe another time...maybe. :) I don't think it's very important to describe one's beliefs in order to live compassionately. Anyone can do it no matter their religion. In fact, most people like to claim that their own religion's purpose is this very philosophy and if that is true, then compassion should be everyone's main goal in life.
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